Dear Dr. P,
I am an American with Mexican culture, and I recently asked my Korean Girlfriend to marry me, to which she replied yes. The problem is that we initially agreed to tell her parents of our engagement while we were both present. Well, before we were able to do that my girl friend told her parents alone, and later told me of what she said.
Her mother didn’t seem surprised, telling her she already knew about the engagement. But her father shouted “you didn’t even bother to talk to me first,” after which he stormed out of the kitchen and when to his room.
Now, I am afraid I looked so coward that was unable to stand up to their parents and deliver the message straight in their face, however uncomfortable that might be. My girl friend says I should type a letter, maybe in Korean that states my intentions and how I feel about their daughter. I am open to your suggestion, and I want to do what would be culturally acceptable to my girlfriend’s parents.
Dear Anonymous, After finding out about your girlfriend’s parents getting very angry, you are in quite a dilemma as to what you should do. Of course, it would be great if you could meet her parents in person and you could receive their permission to marry but now is not the best time considering her parents emotions are in a frenzy. If you happen to meet them face to face now, it will only re-enforce their feelings and their refusal could be even stronger. However, if you and your girlfriend discuss thing over together and if your Girl friend talks about what your good qualities are, and relay to them how much you love her and that your love is natural, her parents will eventually accept who you are. Only until some time has passed would it be a good thing and helpful to meet her parents. The process to convince her parents will take some time all together. During this time, the two you I’m sure can endure, right? Accordingly, it will be a good thing since the love and faith you have will become much deeper. The most important thing is that you two both believe in each other. In the future, so long as you both commit yourselves and unite together, I’m sure that her parents will be convinced even for your two’s beautiful success to pay off.
Dear Dr.P
I have decided to leave Seattle later this year to teach in Korea, and while I have experience living abroad, I haven't ventured into Asia before. From what I have heard or read from others, most dissatisfied English teachers start with unrealistic expectations, and end up feeling isolated because they close themselves off.
I know I deal best with the stress of culture shock when I'm learning from people of the culture I'm in. Since I do not speak the language and have no familiarity with social custom, I am considering a home stay as my first living arrangement. What do you think of this arrangement?
Specifically, I'm pretty confused about one aspect of Korean culture that I've read about. On one hand, Americans and Canadians often complain about the racism and anti-Americanism they encounter--often how they are treated seem unwarranted and unfair On the other hand, I have read numerous accounts about Koreans "welcoming the chance to share their culture with foreigners". How am I to understand this dichotomy, and how can I best approach it?
I'm also hoping to use my interests to make friends. Are any activities you can think of particularly conducive to meeting people in Korea? I'm open to any new things.
Dear Sender, First of all, I praise you highly for preparing your life abroad in advance. Having good relationship with a Korean home stay family really depends on how nice the family is and how well you adjust to the relationship with the family. But a home stay might be a little more uncomfortable for you than when you live by yourself in terms of personal privacy. According to my experience, most houses are lacking the space because of the high housing cost in Seoul, so it is hard to get a home stay. But in the country side, it is relatively easier, feeling with the country people’s warm heart's and hospitality. Most Koreans are friendly toward Americans or Canadians. Since there is always a difference between individuals, you are likely to meet some people with racism or anti-Americanism thoughts. However the most important thing is how you deal with these people, especially in a work situation. If you treat people cordially, they will also treat you the same way. Learning Korean is perhaps the best way to understand the Korean culture. Korean classes for foreigners are available at several universities in Korea. Having Korean friends would another way to adjust to the Korean culture. If you have your own religion, you can participate in religious meetings or bible study groups.
Park Jin-seng is a psychiatrist who runs a clinic for foreigners in Seoul and operates a personal therapist forum on www.lifeinkorea.com. For counceling, please submit your questions to mdoctor@korea.com or call the hotline at 02-563-0678.