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Mon, February 6, 2023 | 22:27
Foreign Affairs
Who should pay on dates ― guy or girl?
20대 男 “여자들, 돈 좀 내라”
Posted : 2012-06-13 19:36
Updated : 2012-06-13 19:36
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By Jung Min-ho, Kim Bo-eun, Bahk Eun-ji

Dinner is done, conversation dwindles and the date is about to end, when the check arrives, who should pay ― the guy, the girl or both? Until recently, the answer was easy. In a male-dominant Korean society, the money came out of the man’s wallet, regardless of who asked whom out.

Though most may struggle to explain the legitimacy of the “rule,” this was the way things were. Although not set in stone, it was a general agreement that few gentlemen had the guts to overthrow.

Basically viewed as an act of chivalry for men to pay for women, many men may feel embarrassed if they don’t. There is still the male ego to buoy and years of social conditioning to abide by.

However, changing social norms and issues of gender equality have started muddying the water on who is strong enough to pick up the bill.

Today an increasing number of women work, sometimes at better jobs than their male counterparts and this is changing gender rules. While some women still expect men to pay on dates, more are willing to chip in.

As society moves toward a more gender-balanced one, many men with tight wallets are wondering about the most appropriate way to treat women.

“I have seen many women refuse to pay for a fair portion of dating costs, which, I believe, is getting worse nowadays,” said Kim, a 27-year-old graduate school student. “I don’t think it’s fair given the men-have-to-pay-all rule originated from the time when only men were making money, but now it is no longer true.”

Kim said most young guys feel pressure when dating or even meeting girls in the first place because of money issues. “Or course I want to meet girls, but the trouble is that I can ill afford to,” Kim said.

It’s not even funny

Since this has never been a big issue here, many have come up with their own way to adjust to changing norms of who should be responsible for picking up the bill. But these different, diverse approaches usually end up generating more arguments.

This delicate issue of who should pay on dates has recently emerged as a key theme and subject of comedy shows as seen in a rap by popular comedy-singing group Brave Guys that star on “Gag Concert.”

Girl: I take out my mileage card when we’re about to pay for the meal at a restaurant.

Boy: Why?

Girl: Because I have to accumulate points on my card.

Boy: What about the bill?

Girl: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Their album, “Wait and Prepare,” released on March 26, has drawn extensive attention, claiming the top place on online charts for some time. The group has performed on pop programs and is also to appear in concert with major K-Pop stars later this month.

The content of the group’s spot on the comedy show centers around a couple in which the girl expects the guy to spend all his money on her.

Hyungdon and Daejun, a group comprised of a comedian and a singer also released a single on June 5, which is gaining increasing popularity.

One of their songs has a similar theme, about a girl who doesn’t like to spend money on dates but instead expects her boyfriend to buy her expensive gifts.

It includes lines such as, “When you buy it’s kimbab, when I buy it’s steak” and “If you go alone it’s window shopping, if I come with you, it’s real shopping.”

It seems that the reason these comedians/singers are becoming ever more popular is that people are able to empathize with their lyrics. Although they are a little exaggerated to evoke humor, the words do seem to reflect reality, at least to a certain extent.

Let me just pay for it

While some men are bothered by the fact that they are expected to pay more, others don’t really mind doing so. Kim Yong-min, 27, says he pays around 90 percent of expenditures on dates with his 29-year-old girlfriend Woo.

“Although both of us work, I earn a lot more than my girlfriend does, so I pay more,” he said.

“Another reason is that girls need to spend much more on cosmetics, clothes and other stuff, so I think it’s natural that guys, who spend relatively less on their appearance, bear more of the expenses.”

Kim’s view is that although more women are working compared to the past, men still earn not only more, but also for a longer period, which enables them to pay more on dates.

“Actually, when we first met, my girlfriend used to pay more than she does now, because she is older than me,” said Kim. “But, now, I don’t let her pay even if she offers to.”

Can you put price on love?

For many women, the days are gone when they wait to be treated to dinner and drinks on dates. More and more women are willing to pick up the tab these days.

“I’m really mad at people making such a fuss about the matter in the media. Only a small number of girls spend absolutely nothing on a date,” fumed freelance interpreter Lee Jee-hyun.

She says the media exaggerates the situation as if all women have the same mindset towards spending money on dates.

“I have a regular income as a working woman, so there is no reason to be financially dependent when I am on a date.”

However, it would be a little awkward, if a couple “goes Dutch” or splits the bill down to the last penny on every occasion since the Korean social atmosphere imposes more responsibility on men when it comes to paying.

“If my boyfriend and I were studying without a regular job, we would split the bill as penniless students,” said Park Ji-young, a 25-year-old college student.

“My boyfriend, however, is an office worker and I’m a college student. I don’t think there is any problem for my boyfriend to pay more than me at this stage.

“Besides, I want to give my boyfriend opportunities to feel some mannerly pride. He will be offended if I pay more than him every time,” she added.

Korean society is moving toward gender equality, although there is a long way to go. The older generations still believe men should perform some chivalrous acts occasionally.

“Guys tried to meet social expectations through the behavior of spending more money than women, and the mindset still remains unchanged among our generation,” said Park.

The more important issue at this point is that couples set their own rules for spending while dating. It is unfair to judge others, as each couple has a different story.

“Spending lots of money isn’t necessarily linked to the depth of people’s love. You can’t put a price tag on love, can you?” asked Park.

20대 男 “여자들, 돈 좀 내라”
저녁 식사는 끝나고, 대화가 무료해 질 때 즈음, 데이트에 나선 커플들은 누가 돈을 지불해야 할지에 대한 “결정의 순간”을 맞이하게 된다. 전통적으로 항상 남자가 내는 관례가 있어 왔지만, 여성들의 사회진출 증가와 급격한 양성평등 의식 확립에 따라서 많은 남성들이 남자가 보통데이트 비용을 부담하는 현 상황에 대해 의문을 제기하기 시작한 것은 그리 오래 전 일이 아니다. 사실 현재 많은 젊은이 들이 한국 사회에서, 이와 같은 문제를 직면한 첫 세대인 만큼 많은 개인 혹은 커플들은 자신들만의 룰과 철학으로 “누가 비용을 부담할 것인가?”에 대한 해답을 찾으려 하지만 감정싸움이나 다툼으로 귀결되는 경우 또한 많다. “예전에는 남자가 지배하는 경제 구조 속에서, 그러한 관례가 당연시 되었다고 칩시다. 지금은 도대체 왜 그래야 하는 거죠?” 27세 대학원생 김씨는 주장했다. 현실은 그렇게 웃기지만은 않아 남녀 관계에서 데이트 비용 부담의 문제는 개그 프로그램의 주요 토픽으로 나오고 있기도 하다. KBS ‘개그 콘서트’의 인기 코너로 부상한 ‘용감한 녀석들’은 남녀 관계에서 파악하기 어려운 서로의 속마음을 시원하게 밝혀주면서 관객들로부터 공감과 웃음을 자아내고 있다. 그들이 부르는 노래의 가사 중에는 데이트할 때 돈을 쓰기 싫어하는 여자에 관한 내용이 종종 등장한다. ‘형돈이와 대준이’는 개그맨과 가수가 결합해 결성한 또 다른 그룹인데, 이들의 노래 중에서도 비슷한 내용을 담은 노래가 있다. “네가 사면 김밥집 내가 사면 스테이크 되냐 안 되냐” “혼자 오면 아이쇼핑 나랑 오면 진짜 쇼핑 되냐 안 되냐”등의 가사로 대중들에게 인기를 얻고 있다. 이러한 ‘개가수’들의 노래들이 음원 차트의 정상을 차지하고 있는 이유는, 조금은 과장되었더라도 어느 정도 현실을 반영하고 있어 공감할 수 있는 가사 때문일 것이다. 기꺼이 내 지갑을 꺼낼게 남자들이 데이트 비용을 주로 부담하도록 하는 사회적 분위기에 대해 불만을 가지는 이들도 있지만 또 한편으로는 기꺼이 내겠다고 하는 이들도 있다. 김용민씨(27)은 “여자친구와 데이트할 때 제가 비용의 90 퍼센트를 내고는 하죠” 라고 했다. “둘 다 직장인이지만 제가 훨씬 더 많이 벌기 때문에 제가 더 많이 내요” 라고 밝혔다. 또 “여자들은 꾸미기 위해 화장품이나 옷을 사는 데에 돈이 많이 들기 때문에, 상대적으로 외모를 가꾸는 데에 돈이 덜 들어가는 남자 쪽에서 더 많이 부담할 수 있다고 생각해요”라고 전했다. 김씨에 따르면 과거에 비해 여성의 사회적 진출이 높아지면서 일하는 여성들이 많아졌지만 아직까지 남성들이 더 오래, 더 많이 벌기 때문에 데이트 비용을 더 많이 내는 것을 가능하게 한다는 것이다. “사실 여자친구를 처음 만났을 때는 여자친구가 나이가 더 많기도 해서 지금보다 데이트 비용을 더 많이 냈었지만 지금은 내려고 해도 내가 못 내게 하고 있어요”라고 덧붙였다. 사랑에 가격을 매길 수 있나요? 그러나 최근 들어 한국 여성들에게 데이트 비용을 모두 남자에게만 부담하게 하는 풍속도는 점차 사라지고 있는 추세다. “미디어에서 떠들어대는 건 아주 특이한 소수의 경우라고 생각해요” 라고 프리랜서 통역사인 이지현(26세)씨는 말했다. 이씨는 또한 “매달 일정 소득을 벌어들이는 직장 여성으로서 전 데이트 비용을 남자에게만 부담하라고 할 이유가 전혀 없어요”라고도 덧붙였다. 그러나 아직까지 남자에게 여자보다 조금 더 많은 금전적인 책임감을 부여하는 한국 사회에서 남녀가 만나 데이트를 할 때 식사 비용이나 영화 티켓 값을 십 원 한 장까지 똑같이 나누는 장면은 어색하기 짝이 없다. 25세 대학생 박지영씨는 “제 남자친구와 제가 둘 다 부모님께 용돈을 받는 학생이라면 더치페이를 하는 것이 적절하죠” 라고 말 했다. “하지만 지금 저는 학생이고 남자친구는 경제적 능력이 되는 직장인이에요. 제가 직장을 얻기 전까지는 남자친구도 저도 남자친구 쪽에서 조금 더 많이 데이트 비용을 부담하는 것에 대해서 불만스럽게 생각하지 않아요.” 라고도 덧붙였다. 박씨는 또한 “만약 제가 매번 더 많이 돈을 내겠다고 하면 남자친구도 약간은 자존심 상해 할 거에요.”라고 전했다. 한국 사회가 남녀 평등 사회로 점차 진입하고 있다고 해도 아직 우리 부모 세대는 아직까지 남자에게 더 많은 책임감을 부여하도록 배우고 자랐기 때문이다. “그런 사회적인 분위기 속에서 그에 걸 맞는 기대에 부응하기 위해 우리 부모의 세대의 남자들이 여자들보다 돈을 더 많이 썼던 것 같고, 그게 아직 우리 세대에까지 영향을 미쳤던 게 아닐까요?” 라고 박씨는 말했다. 그러나 무엇보다 중요한 것은 데이트 비용에 대해서 각 커플이 충분한 대화를 나눠야 한다는 것이다. 모든 커플들이 저마다 다른 상황에 놓여있기 때문에 하나의 잣대를 들이대며 비난을 일삼는 것은 적절치 못하다. “돈을 많이 쓴다고 해서 사랑이 깊어지는 건 아니에요. 누구도 사랑에 가격을 매길 수는 없지 않을까요?” 라고 박씨는 되물었다.
 
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