Dating violence going unchecked

Han, a 25-year-old office worker, fell in love with her boyfriend a year ago, seeing him almost every day in the first months of their relationship.But her lover turned violent ㅡ both physically and verbally ― six months into their relationship. Like Han, many women are unable to free themselves from unwanted lovers, terrorized by “dating violence.”

Victims advised to actively seek help from police

By Park Si-soo

Han, a 25-year-old office worker, fell in love with her boyfriend a year ago, seeing him almost every day in the first months of their relationship.

But her lover turned violent ― both physically and verbally ― six months into their relationship. She couldn’t stand it and wanted to break up with him. But he wouldn’t allow it.

“He beat me whenever I begged to breakup with him. One day, he assaulted me badly. He even threatened me with a knife,” she said, asking for her real name to be withheld. Han said he threatened to kill her if she left him. She said she couldn’t report him to the police for fear that he would retaliate.

Like Han, many women are unable to free themselves from unwanted lovers, terrorized by “dating violence.”

In another case, Kim doesn’t love her boyfriend any more, but she continues to go out with him due to his hurting himself whenever she hints at separation. “He punched a concrete wall several time and threw things,” she said.

According to Korea Women’s Hotline, a private call center for abused women, a considerable portion of 800 female university students surveyed in 2009 experienced “dating violence.”

Nearly 80 percent of the affected students said they suffered emotional violence, such as the monitoring email, blogs, mobile phones and private schedules. Forty percent of them said their boyfriends frequently check whom they are with and where.

About 61 percent replied they suffered verbal violence. Nearly one fourth of the surveyed women said they had to have an unwanted kiss or sex.

The U.S. Center for Victims for Crimes defines dating violence as “controlling, abusive and aggressive behavior in a romantic relationship.” It says the violence can include verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or a combination of them.

“Being a victim of dating violence is not your fault. Get help immediately. Don’t keep your concern to yourself,” the center said on its website, offering tips on how to cope.

Let them know

Park Mi-rang is a researcher at the Korean Institute of Criminology who authored a paper regarding dating violence.

In the paper released in August last year, she said people who were assaulted by their parents during childhood or witnessed their parents’ fighting violently have a higher tendency of committing violent acts on dates. The paper was based on a survey of 1,290 male and female college students.

“A higher likelihood of committing dating violence was found among those who were frequently assaulted by their parents in their childhood. A similar tendency was also found among those raised by conflict-prone parents,” Park said.

Experts say the most important thing women should do to avoid dating violence is to speak out to their boyfriend.

“If you don’t complain, they misunderstand it for acceptance of such violence, which makes the situation worse. Victims must express their thoughts and protest firmly,” said Oh Jeong-hee, a consultant at the Korea Sexual Violence Relief Center.

If this has no effect, Oh said they should talk to friends, family or even the police.

데이트 폭력 심각

25살 회사원 한씨는 1년 전 한 남자와 사랑에 빠져 첫 달 거의 매일 만나곤 했다. 그러나 만난지 6개월이 되어가자 그 남자는 신체적 언어적 폭력을 행사하기 시작했다. 한씨는 헤어지려 했지만 그 남자는 거부했다.

한씨는 “그는 내가 헤어지자고 할 때마다 때렸어요. 심지어는 칼로 위협하기도 했어요”라고 말했다. 한씨는 복수가 무서워 경찰에 신고할 수도 없었다고 했다.

한씨처럼 많은 여성들이 “데이트 폭력”이라 불리는 연인과의 관계를 끊지 못하고 있다.

또다른 피해자 김씨의 경우, 그녀가 헤어지자고 할 때마다 남자친구가 자해를 하는 바람에 헤어지지 못하고 있다. 김씨는 “그 남자는 시멘트 벽을 여러 번 손으로 치고 물건을 던지곤 했어요”라고 말했다.

한국 여성의 전화가 2009년 설문을 했을 때 800명의 여대생 중 상당수가 데이트 폭력을 경험했다고 답했다. 피해 여학생들의 80%는 이메일이나 블로그, 핸드폰이나 스케줄을 감시하는 정신적 폭력을 겼었다고 한다. 40%는 남자친구가 수시로 어디에 있는지, 누구와 있는지를 체크했다고 하며, 61%는 언어 폭력에 시달렸다고 했다. 1/4 정도는 원하지 않는데도 키스나 성관계를 해야 했다고 답했다.

U.S. Center for Victims for Crimes는 데이트 폭력을 “연애에 있어서 지배적, 학대적, 공격적인 행위”라고 규정하고 있다.

이 센터의 웹페이지에는 “데이트 폭력의 피해자가 되는 것은 당신의 잘못이 아닙니다. 즉시 도움을 구하세요”라고 써있다.

한국형사정책연구원 박미랑 연구원이 지난 8월 1,290명의 대학생들을 설문조사해 발표한 데이트 폭력에 대한 논문에 따르면, 어린 시절 부모에게 학대를 당하거나 부모의 폭력을 목격한 사람들이 데이트에서 폭력적인 행동을 할 가능성이 높았다.

전문가들은 여성들이 데이트 폭력을 피하기 위해서는 남자친구에게 말을 해야 한다고 조언한다. 한국성폭력상담소 오정희 상담원은 “얘기를 하지 않으면 남자들은 당신이 폭력을 받아들인다고 잘못 이해할 수 있고 이것은 상황을 악화시키게 됩니다. 피해자들은 생각하는 바를 분명히 밝히고 단호하게 저항해야 합니다”라고 말한다.

오 상담원은 만약 이것이 효과가 없다면 친구나 가족, 혹은 경찰에게 알려야 한다고 조언한다. 오씨는 “이것은 개인의 문제만이 아니라 범죄입니다. 피해자들은 데이트 폭력에 대한 생각을 바꿔 외부 도움을 적극적으로 청해야 합니다”라고 말했다.