Searching for a spouse: potential vs. perfection
I recently visited one of my company’s offices and witnessed a match consultant on the phone having a very difficult time. I found out that the person that had called was a female client’s mother. The mother had called to complain that the man the matchmaker had introduced to her daughter was not suitable. The matchmaker told me that the mother had already rejected many of the men previously selected as prospective mates, including highly educated and accomplished doctors and Ph. D holders.
I wondered how amazing her daughter must be for her to be so demanding. I found out that she was just from an ordinary family and went to a regular college.
The current situation for single men is often similar. There was a case of one man who always claimed that he would be satisfied with an average woman, but when he actually met a woman he became very picky and critical, complaining about minor flaws and focusing on the areas that did not match his standards. This man’s father was even pickier than his son. I thought it may be impossible to find this man a suitable spouse.
It is a common occurrence, and this is a problem. It is difficult for most people to view themselves objectively and they are quick to judge and find fault with others while overlooking their own shortcomings or less desirable qualities. As a result, people tend to think that they are superior to others or that someone doesn’t measure up to them or doesn’t deserve them.
Primarily it is the parents that are to blame for this. They have turned their children into princes and princesses by raising them to believe that they can have whatever they want and do not teach them how to compromise. In addition, parents often do not teach their children about what the reality of marriage entails, so that the children have only a superficial image and understanding of what it means to be married. Parents need to serve as role models in order for the children to learn properly.
In recent years there has been the emergence of the “golden miss” phenomenon. This term refers to women who remain single until an older age and usually have focused more on their career. Society did not pay much attention to this trend, but I feel it is an issue which needs to be recognized and addressed. These women also tend to have higher standards when searching for and selecting a mate. The golden miss has become a reality and now society is realizing the seriousness of it.
The examples of the man and the woman mentioned earlier are in the same situation. I am very worried whether people who have not learned from their parents about the practical way to live a married life, if they will be able to raise a family properly. Doesn’t marriage demand patience and endurance?
I fear that in 10-15 years there will be a higher rate of divorce and increased social chaos.
No human being is perfect, and therefore a perfect spouse does not exist although many people are under the illusion that it does. The task of finding a suitable spouse may be extremely difficult if someone has set such high standards. It is more advisable to find a relatively compatible person and work on developing certain areas. It is hard to get married if you dream of marrying a person that seems almost perfect. Even if someone is able to get married with such a mindset, it’s hard to imagine that person overcoming any hardships in the marriage.
If parents want their child to have a satisfying and successful marriage they need to change their child’s mindset. Parents need to teach their children that a relationship is a two-way street and requires effort from both people. Children need to know that being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you will always get your own way or that your partner will be able to meet all of your needs and desires. More importantly, children must learn to treat their partner the way that they would expect and like to be treated.
It is natural for parents to think that their child is better than others and to want to acknowledge and emphasize their child’s strong points. However, parents need to give their children realistic rather than idealized self-images. As a result, people’s marriages will be more successful overall.
Matchmaking company Sunoo interviewed 50 match consultants with a minimum of 3 years experience between March 22nd and 26th. They were asked about their experiences with clients and their parents. The consultants discussed how to help parents find their child a suitable spouse, and the most common suggestions are listed below.
10 steps to finding a good son-in-law/daughter-in-law
1. Encourage a more positive outlook in your child; teach them to look for the other person’s positive aspects rather than their negative aspects.
2. Allow and encourage your child to have space to make their own decision in selecting their spouse.
3. Don’t automatically judge a potential mate based solely on your child’s opinion.
4. Don’t compare and be so self-conscious. (Don’t compare your child to others)
5. Be able to objectively judge your child’s potential as a compatible spouse of someone else.
6. Encourage your child to select someone that will support him/her no matter how the situation or conditions change.
7. Share stories and experiences from your own marriage with your child.
8. Teach your child to respect other people.
9. Your son/daughter will be happier if they meet someone with similar educational, socio-economic, and career levels.
10.hen others have a positive view of your child, he/she will be able to meet a good spouse.