James Lee

This is the eighth in a series of columns by James Lee, CEO of the matchmaking firm Sunoo (www.couple.net), about various aspects of marriage based on his 20 years in the business. ― ED.

By James Lee

Today I’ll be talking about a woman who, because of her tough exterior, more often than not sends men running the other way. At first glance this kind of woman is exactly the type to make men do a double take. She’s exactly the kind of woman to be in a profession that would make any man jealous and also has the picture perfect family background, important in Korean culture. On paper, at least, she’s the type of woman to be snatched up as a marriage partner in no time. At least, on paper.

The problem with this woman ― and many like her - is that she’s already passed her prime; she’s well into their thirties. The term of choice used right now in Korea to light-heartedly describe women like her is “Golden Miss,” but in my personal opinion, something more akin to “old maid” might be in order.

From the outside, women like her may appear to be happy singles enjoying their freedom, but I believe that if we were to take a deeper look into these women’s minds, we would no doubt find a nervous core preoccupied with worries of marriage.

But it’s not because she lacks experience in relationships that she has yet to marry. Over the course of, let’s say 10 years, this woman has been on her fair share of dates, and in her fair share of relationships.

It’s easy to understand; she’s incredibly appealing at first glance. I know of one story in which one such woman was approached by a coworker. But, just as with the many men who have surely flocked to be at her side, in the end she sent this one running for the hills as well. But why is that- It’s simple: she’s a woman with teeth and nails.

She’s acutely keen on what she wants and perhaps makes rash decisions. Towards the men who approach her she does not hesitate to use her weapons. But even with her teeth and nails, people are not necessarily so vicious. Cats too have teeth and nails, but if you raise them well they will be kind to you.

However, the weapons this woman carries cannot so easily be tamed, and as she passes her prime, her teeth and nails may be used more. There’s another term to be noted here: “old maid hysteria,” but I think the issue at hand is a bit different than what this term might imply. As one grows older, there are simply parts of one’s life that one has to maintain.

Pride and dignity become image issues and we have to pay more attention to them. In today’s society, with each year or two that we age, we can’t help but allow such defense mechanisms to take a stronger hold. As for this woman, even if she recognizes this as a problem, her defense mechanisms begin to work against her and the number of men who would choose her for marriage becomes smaller and smaller. But does this mean that she’s without hope- Well, it all depends on her ability to compromise. Getting rid of these defense mechanisms is without doubt difficult. But at least keeping them at bay is within the realm of possibility.

As women pass the age of the, their effort in maintaining their image becomes heightened.

They take better care of their skin, put more effort into their overall health, but, strangely, it’s rare to see people put such effort into maintaining their personality. As we grow older, we become more and more prone to solidifying our idea of the world, and our ability to build a life with a significant other slowly becomes more and more difficult. If this type of woman in her mid-thirties intends to marry, she needs to rid herself of these defense mechanisms. She must overcome her fear of being hurt and give a potential partner more freedom. And, of course, taming these defense mechanisms at the same time would be the perfect combination.

With the fast pace at which society has changed in recent decades, so has men’s view of women. The idea that as women reach marrying age they must take the time to learn how to be a proper housewife is one of the past. This is something that has already lost its significance as a marriage prerequisite and is accepted as something that is learned after marriage. Nowadays, the most important aspect has become the alignment of a man and woman’s personalities, and as such, women who seem to have little concern for their partner’s well-being, or who seem stubborn, have become the most undesirable candidates for matchmaking. In contrast, admiring a woman’s appearance can spark interest at first, but it is only fleeting.

The new basis for a good relationships is personality. Once the most prized candidate for marriage, these women have reached their ends, and if a woman is simply waiting for that one man who will accept her as she is ― with all her difficulties - there’s nothing that I, as a matchmaker, can do for her.

The appeal of beauty can fade within a day. A woman’s independence, her development into an active member of society all help her, but if she maintains her teeth and nails, then I wish her the best of luck in her career and life as a perpetually single woman.

The Korean Marriage Culture Research Institute at Sunoo conducted a survey among 50 couple managers with at least three years of experience regarding their worst cases of matchmaking.

Men’s Most Undesirable Female Types

1. Women who exhibit little concern for their partners, including planning social appointments while only taking their own schedules into concern.

2. Women who use their beauty as a weapon and act as though they rule the land.

3. Women who come off too strong or are stubborn.

4. Women who seem too high maintenance.

5. Women who seem inconsistent in their feelings.

Women’s Most Undesirable Male Types

1. Men who seem to judge women only by their appearance.

2. Men who seem too authoritative or conservative.

3. Men who boast about themselves.

4. Men who, when they’ve lost interest, cease making eye contact.

5. Men who lack appropriate manners.

Other less-than-appealing types that came up in the survey included women who smile little and exhibit few facial expressions, women who talk for too long and suck the fun out of conversation, men who put little effort into how they dress and men who manipulate social situations through exhibiting a lack of interest.