Navigating the minefield of dating in Korea

A handsome man and an attractive woman are spending time together, taking a coffee break and communicating. / gettyimagesbank

By Ellie Goodwin

Exasperation comes in tow with dating regardless of where you are in the world but, if all goes well, it can lead to a meaningful and long-lasting relationship. Unfortunately, there is also a lot that can go wrong. Dating in Korea is no exception.

"I've had more than one experience where I have felt pressured," said an American citizen who agreed to share her experience with The Korea Times on condition of anonymity. "There was little communication ― lots happened without my consent and when I did say that I felt uncomfortable I was ignored."

Another American woman, who also asked to remain anonymous, added, "I felt unsafe in my own apartment, not knowing what his retaliation may be if I was too forceful with my rebukes."

The inadequacy of sex education in Korea plays a crucial part in the presence of toxic masculinity, an observation made by a Canadian woman of color who wished to remain anonymous. "Korean men don't know or care about using contraception or STIs. Conversations about consent aren't had either," she said.

"A no isn't only shown verbally ― if the woman is uncomfortable or awkward, then that's a no too."

Prejudice against women is deeply embedded in Korean society and shared across many other countries. Women are expected to forfeit careers or personal ambitions in favor of a domestic lifestyle while exhibiting submissive behavior. The lack of women's rights creates further issues. "Feminism is a dirty word here ― they're considered to be man-haters which is very concerning," said Angel Garcia, who relocated to Korea from the U.S. last year. In the case of dating Korean men, "If nobody talks about gender equity then many will continue to think that their behavior is acceptable."

Socially constructed gender stereotypes and gender-specific roles are still very much used as a reference point for both men and women. "If I'm chatting to someone on an app and tell my friends, then I'll immediately get comments about how the girl is only interested because I'm foreign ― the idea that she may like me just for me is apparently ridiculous," said British expat Jon Baird. "It's offensive to me and the person I'm messaging."

He acknowledged that "understandably, the problems men have here aren't talked about as much because it's not as horrible ― some of my female friends here have had really unpleasant messages sent to them."

It is a sensitive subject to tackle as many foreign residents feel obligated to tolerate attitudes that are acceptable in another's society but prejudicial to their own. Regardless, these attitudes can become breeding grounds for presumptuous and disrespectful behavior, while providing justification for the perpetrator. "I'd say how a comment was inappropriate and explain why ― the reply that I would always get is 'Well, in my culture it's OK, so it's fine,'" recalled Charise Campbell, a South African citizen who has lived in Korea for four years. "No matter how many times I say I find it offensive or upsetting, I'd still get the same reply."

Derogative remarks, stereotyping, misinformed biases and fetishizing are not gender exclusive, though it cannot be denied that women bear a greater brunt than men.

"I dated a guy here ― it was fun at the start but then it soon became clear that he expected me to look and behave in a certain way," recalled an American expat who wished to remain anonymous during her conversation with The Korea Times. "It went from offhand comments to straight-up criticism, like 'You have beautiful eyes, nose and lips but your brows are too thick ― that's not how Koreans do them.'"

She said gratuitous remarks regarding another's physical appearance should be recognized for what they are: offensive.

"I felt like he was trying to mold me ― like I had to live up to this unrealistic beauty standard he had," she continued. "It was exhausting ― I felt unable to be my messy human self around him."

Body dysmorphia, unhealthy dietary habits or exercise as well as low self-esteem are just some examples of the mental health issues that an individual may be battling. Thoughtless remarks can provoke serious harm to another's emotional and physical well-being. Alternatively, it can act as the decisive trigger for one without a prior history. This is reiterated by Meghan East, a teacher in Korea originally from New Zealand who said that comments about her appearance "really affected my self-worth."

As well as being held up to unfair body standards, some foreign residents also spoke of being objectified by those who see them as exotic. "I was messaged by a guy who told me that he always wanted to try a foreign girl ― I blocked him straight away," recounted Gemma Rook, who came here from Ireland for education.

Again, this is not gender-exclusive. However, fetishizing foreign men has, arguably, fewer negative repercussions. "I've never had this much interest from women since moving here,' said Australian-born Liam Walkers. "I think it's the case with lots of guys ― and it boosts egos but in a way that impacts others negatively."

The fetishizing of foreigners is most acutely felt among women of color. "There's the stereotype that Black women are more experienced sexually ― friends of mine have received inappropriate messages asking about their sexual history," said the anonymous Canadian. "I've been told I look like Beyonce, just because we're both Black ― dating Korean men felt very superficial and based around looks rather than taking an interest in the actual person."

"To be honest, it put me off dating someone whose culture was so different to mine," admitted Liz Waddington, an American expat who has tried dating several times since arriving in Korea. "Then I found that there were also problems with someone of the same culture too ― I stopped going on dates when it became clear they just wanted one thing."

It would seem the number of those seeking a committed relationship are few. Bluntly put, long-term relationships are incompatible with an expat's temporary relocation to Korea, setting an expiry date from the start. "I think it's why casual flings are so common here," Walkers commented. "People don't want to get into a serious relationship when you know you have to break it up in the near future."

"Dating in the expat community makes me feel like I'm back in college with frat boys," said an American citizen who wished to remain anonynous. "Meanwhile going on dates with Korean men just feels very unbalanced with two extremities ― you're either seen as a sexual experiment or immediately caught up in a very intense relationship."

A relationship's dynamic is not determined by one's culture, though it does have an impact on dating. But with effort, culturally set limitations can be overcome and the gap with other cultures can be bridged.

"Paying was something we had to discuss. Korean men always want to pay the bill for everything. I don't like that kind of thing," said Darcy McKenzie, who compared dating in Korea with that of her home country, Australia. "Either we go halves, or I pay for one meal out and then he pays for the next one. I explained where I was coming from and he listened and understood. It was a very healthy conversation."

"In my relationship, I learned about the other's culture while simultaneously learning about the person," said Pedro Sanchez, an American expat. "We traveled together and shared meaningful experiences."

American citizen Andrea R, who asked for her full surname to remain anonymous, recalled first meeting her Korean boyfriend, Gabe, via a language exchange app. "I was straight to the point with him, and he was straight to the point with me. We soon realized we had so much in common - we're both Christian, both loved coffee, and shared an interest in learning about each other's cultures."

There is also subjectivity with cultural differences. What one may perceive as thoughtful and considerate, another may perceive as suffocating or overbearing. American citizen Ann Kelly shared her experience, "One of the guys I dated would call me every single day to check in ― I know some people don't mind that but for me, it was a bit too much."

Everyone who has dated has horror stories. However, with honest, transparent communication as well as respect, regardless of what one is seeking, it is possible to find happiness anywhere.

Ellie Goodwin is a teacher from the U.K. in Gwangju. She also writes for Gwangju News.