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| The girls practice saying "please" as they start learning that manners matter in the real world. / Courtesy of Jane Han |
By Jane Han
Over the Thanksgiving long weekend, I had family and friends visiting from Michigan and California. Having aunts and uncles over and getting to do all kinds of fun stuff, stay up late, eat junk food and all, it was a lot of fun for the kids.
But for me, it was a challenging few days to struggle with one area of parenting that strikes me as surprisingly tough ― teaching manners.
You'd think teaching ''thank you,'' ''sorry,'' and ''excuse me'' wouldn't be that hard.
True, that's not exactly the most challenging part. Although kids tend to hesitate for way too long before they finally decide to spit out the magic words.
After a few episodes of disappointment, I realized that my kids need a nice and thorough reminder before any event in which they need to practice good manners and etiquette.
For example, if we get invited to someone's house, I would turn off the music in the car at least ten minutes before we arrive and begin my being-a-good-guest lecture.
When kids get excited, they forget. Even adults do so I don't blame them. They just need a strong and specific ― very specific ― reminder.
Like saying ''hello'' when you meet the host, taking off the shoes and putting them neatly aside, sitting down for the entire meal, saying ''thank you for the food'' before and after the meal, sharing toys especially with younger kids, cleaning up after playing, and saying ''goodbye'' and ''thank you'' again upon departure.
The list is actually pretty lengthy and it may be somewhat demanding for a three-year-old to follow through completely.
That's probably why I sometimes find myself getting frustrated and end up scolding my kids after any kind of social event.
So imagine a whole week with guests and a whole week of getting showered with all that love and attention.
The girls got way too excited and somehow threw manners out the door.
When kids really connect with someone, they tend to think that person is their friend ― as in friend at the same level.
In Korean culture, a three-year-old can't exactly be a friend to a 35-year-old.
So it was difficult to watch Ellen constantly jumping and climbing on my brother-in-law's back and talking to him like he's a fellow three-year-old.
In the Korean language, honorifics is a very important deal.
It's so important that even parents speak to their little ones in honorifics to set an example that they, too, should speak to adults in such way.
Now, I'm all for leading by example. But that's one thing I never really got. I didn't like the idea of adults speaking to two-year-olds with all that respect.
I admit, I was that judging mom.
So is that why my kids keep blowing it when it comes to using honorifics? Because I didn't use it to them? Did I make the mistake not to follow what a lot of other parents are doing?
I'd hate to admit that that is the reason.
Whatever the reason, I've realized that I really need to start emphasizing and reiterating on a daily basis the importance of speaking with respect to elders.
And while at it, I looked into what parenting experts consider realistic for preschoolers in terms of manners.
I came to learn that age three is not yet a ripe age to expect impeccable manners and etiquette.
OK, that's good to know. It gives me a little excuse to back off a bit.
They say age three is when everything starts so it's an ideal time for parents to set a good example.
For instance, when your spouse is standing in front of the refrigerator door when you need to open it, be sure to say ''excuse me'' instead of pushing him.
The habit of saying ''sorry,'' ''thank you,'' and ''please'' begins with parents.
The next one on this short list is yet another thing I struggle with my girls ― interrupting others.
It's like every time I'm on the phone, some mysterious force triggers my kids to act up to new and extreme ways.
I've repeatedly told them that they need to keep quiet when I'm speaking to someone else, but that simple concept just hasn't set in yet.
The last realistic expectation for a three-year-old is finally something my twins have mastered ― sort of.
It's eating at the table.
Maybe because they're so used to sitting in their high-chairs for meal time, they don't seem to mind being at the table for 15 to 30 minutes, especially when there is good food to keep them occupied.
Going down the list of all the manners and etiquettes parents should eventually teach children, I realized that some things even I'm guilty of not fulfilling myself.
I have three sets of little eyes on me now so there's no more excuse for mom.
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