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| Ann, left, and Ellen are proud to start preschool for the first time. / Courtesy of Jane Han |
By Jane Han
I tried to get a head start on this column by picturing in my head what Ellen and Ann's first day of school would be like.
I could easily ― and I mean, easily ― see the girls crying for dear life and hanging onto mommy, while I myself tear up at the same time.
As first days go for many little ones, it would be a classic emotional scene.
Well, reality was quite the opposite.
As soon as we, the whole family of five, stepped through the main entrance, there was mayhem.
If a small preschool lobby looked like what it looked like today, I can't imagine what a full-fledged elementary school would be like come time for kindergarten.
Let's just say, there were a lot of people ― a lot of kids, a lot of babies, a lot of moms, dads, grandmas and grandpas.
But luckily and surprisingly, Ellen and Ann seemed wildly amused by all the people.
They love people and they saw a lot of small people, who could potentially become their friends. And they love friends, so it was a good start.
So with anxiety tucked away for the time being, we all slowly made our way to the girls' homeroom class, also known as "ABC Crew," where teachers Ms. Nina and Ms. Carla welcomed all the three-year-olds in with an impressive spread of activities to help make goodbyes easier.
The twins got into their small little seats as they began cautiously exploring all the fun things in front of them.
The moment was now approaching.
I read everywhere that goodbyes should be quick and cheerful. I knew I shouldn't linger any longer.
My husband kept giving me the eye, signaling me that we should leave.
I pretended I didn't see him.
I wanted to stay a little longer, just long enough to see the girls get settled in a little more.
But Lauren, out of nowhere, started crying so hard that we were one of the first parents rushed to leave the room.
Before saying bye, I gave a quick kiss on the cheek to each twin and, right then, I could see both faces slowly morphing into one of those almost-ready-to-cry looks, but I was already out the door before anything happened.
Dad went straight to work and I was still busy trying to console Lauren, hence no time for my emotions to soak in.
Soon, it was just me and Lauren in the car on our way back home. It was a weird feeling.
The weirdness continued as I gave Lauren her morning snack and did some light cleaning around the house.
God it was awfully quiet.
So this is what having just one child feels like.
I can at least hear myself think without all the noise of kids playing, laughing and/or fighting.
But it's something that definitely takes some getting used to.
Amid the awkward quietness and peacefulness, the youngest one went to nap one whole hour earlier than usual. Even she thought things were feeling a little awkward around the house.
As I sat down for a peaceful cup of coffee, I decided to make a phone call and check on how the girls were doing.
The teacher who answered the phone asked me to hold on while she goes and takes a peek.
Those few minutes felt ever so long.
What if she says the girls are bawling? Should I have called sooner? The bundle of anxiety that I tucked away earlier this morning came emerging from me in full force.
But soon enough, I heard the most comforting words come from the other end of the line.
She said the girls are playing in the playground having a good time and that they even danced and sang during chapel not long after I left.
I hung up the phone and, at the most unexpected time of all, I got a huge lump in my throat as I began to choke up in tears.
I imagined them playing on the playground, shouting out each other's names and squealing for joy. I pictured them shaking their little bottoms and singing even though they may not know a single lyric to the English song.
I imagined them doing all these things all so well ― without me. That's right, without mommy.
It was a solemn moment for me to realize that it's slowly time for me to start letting go.
OK, I may be taking things a little too far with the first day of preschool, but this is where it all begins, isn't it?
Mama's heart is aching a bit on this special day, but I'm proud of my twin babies who grew up to be on their own, eager to explore the world.
And so I'll practice letting go, little by little.
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